August 26, 2015

I remember what it felt like laughing (FOR REAL) again, after 9 months of stoic deadness. 

I remember shedding a tear too, even if I still couldn't even cry. 

I remember smiling in my heart, and not with a mask, finally.

And that feeling and surreal experience of my 2nd Deliverance, last April of this year...

As well as the whole tumultuous and God-ordained experience at MMRC in Batangas, with CCF Makati, and the #TL4PursuingPassion Retreat.


Words could never be enough to describe what this 20-month journey and more (since 2012 especially) has brought me into.

Darkness? Hopelessness; abandonment from those you've loved the most; losing yourself yet still walking in this world.


And that's aside from loathing everything you'd become from a life you had grown up around: The people, places, events, memories, hard work, sweat, and yes, blood, in working with and for a community you were born into.


With everything from that, and around 95% of its entirety, and the first 18 years of my life, being thrown away to be forgotten; down the drain like nothing but loathed sedimentary and sewage waste.


I hated who I was and could not reconcile the trouble and lostness the whole turn of events had brought me and my family into.


It wasn't about unforgiveness anymore, because my sister and I had learned to do it, last 2012.


It wasn't about disappointments, which many people so thought it was.


It wasn't about the 2nd guy friend I only ever liked, either (eugh wat) ((:
Whom, obviously, a close girl friend of mine liked as well.


I just step away from people, and things, and allow them to move along, and make myself let go of what won't hold me in return; just move forward, plainly spoken.


But it was something else, something real that had brought me into all of this...



God and Satan.



God in all His sovereignty, no matter how daunted and tainted it all looked to be, is who He is.



YHWH. El Shaddai. Elohim. Adonai. El Roi. Shalom. Abba. El Elyon. Jehovah Ezer. Jehovah Jireh. Jehovah Rapha. Jehovah Roi. Jehovah Sabaoth. Jehovah Nissi. Jehovah Mekeddeshem. Jehovah Nissi. Jehovah Shalom. Jehovah-Shammah. Jehovah-Rophi. Jehovah Tsedeq. Our GOD; King; LORD; Stronghold. The Rock of Ages. Jesus Christ; Emancipator, Illuminator, Comforter, Rewarder, Preserver. Saviour. Redeemer. Friend. Prince of Peace. The Lamb of God.



His names are just too beautiful and magnificent to even bear or think of.
Its meanings... Just ring so true to us who are in His family, adopted and saved, through the BLOOD and Justification of Jesus Christ + nothing.

(http://preceptaustin.org/god's_name_-_a_strong_tower.htm)

To know and bask more in the presence of this Holy LORD, wouldn't that be the fulfilment of who we were created to be?



To love Him who loved us first.



That's the true love, and the real and most solid love story, we all seem to be looking or grasping for.

Whether it be from family, a friend, loved one, a husband, a wife, a son, daughter, a best friend, and so on. Even a pet. @--)


There is and always will be that God-shaped vacuum in whatever state our heart may be in. And what could fill it, none other, than our GOD. He who breathes out stars!
(Psalm 33:6 The heavens were made by the word of the LORD and all the stars by the breath of his mouth.)
Knows them by name, put them into place, calls them.


Stars. He would be that so magnificent, and glorious, and also be so "insignificant" as with an ant.

The worker He so praises in His Word (whoa), found in the book of Proverbs, imagine that.



An ant, without a spirit, like humans whom God had created in His Image... Would be called by our King to be faithful. Wow, such shame for us. And our heads, and our hearts, would still be too proud and mighty, and difficult to reach? Although not impossible...



Clearly, He is the Master Creator.

There is none like Him.



And with all that, why does a perfect God seem to allow His creation to go through such darkness, and trouble, and turmoil, amidst the greatness and goodness He has created in the universe, for this world we live in?



Is He not loving enough?

Sadly, His Creation, Man, had turned from this perfect Creator. Because we were given a choice, we had chosen to follow the curiosities and fleeting things this world we live in had to offer.



This world? I thought was created perfectly as well...in perfect symphony and harmony with each and all of God's creation.

Yes, but also, when sin and Satan was given the freedom as well, which he so explicitly used, in this world, is when and why death began to exist.



The world started to decay, and so did we.

Sin, by Man's choice, had infiltrated and diminished every inch and part of our being.



Our spirits were dead.

Our souls were polluted.

Our bodies fell ill.



And in all God's sovereignty and supremacy, He still had a plan.

He prevented Man from eating of the tree of life, lest he be in that sinful state, for eternity; we were banished not just from the Garden of Eden. But from the presence of our Holy God...



Although, not forever.

The Bible, the spoken Word of God, tells us the greatest story in all of existence... And it centers around the story of a Saviour.



A Man. Also, a God.

Jesus Christ, the Messiah, He who would take our place of death, bear ALL of our iniquities, ONCE and FOR ALL.



When He came, Light burst through the Darkness. As if this world had never become bad in the first place.


He became the perfect sacrifice, the fulfillment of the Law, the Love of the Father, the perfect and glorious and revealed Lamb of God.


Satan had lost forever, to be banished in the Lake of Fire.

And he wants to bring any, if not all, of the spirits left or to come in the remaining time for this world. He would stop at nothing.


We cannot underestimate what he does and go unprepared or lax into the world (too late though we're already in it).


But we could always know, and trust, and rely, on the beautiful and wonderful and majestic and magnificent wonder, love, and POWER, of the CROSS OF JESUS CHRIST.


The enemy has been defeated, death has no sting, it couldn't hold anyone IN CHRIST down, anymore.



And why I began writing this was, just at first, a way for me to thank my family, my local home-church, and my best friends, and other friends for being there.

Even as imperfect as we are, still given grace by our God through our Saviour, He had gifted me with you all to aid and pray and journey with me, through all of this.



God was all that I needed. But He provided my angels, which came in the form of you guys, why not!



And the greatest thing about this, which Amy Allen reminded me of once, is that it's not about us.

It's not about me, no. Not about the people who caused many storms, or stumbled me, or hurt me. It's not also about the good this world had to offer, and give me sanity: True Friends, Family who didn't abandon, a real Church Community which emanated Christ, Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) at GCF, my love of CARS, Praise and Worship, Snoopy, pizza, and buko juice!!! And everything alternative (+I also don't medicine so I love agriculture and those alternative supplements or cures as well); anything old-school and full of adventure; finding awesome things often bypassed by people; Maynila & Binondo!! the Philippines and its outback beauty! The wonders of God's gifts and creation. Friends from all over the world, being home-schooled, nomadic, and so on and so forth.



Those were more than blessings, but the real and greatest thing about it, is that it tells of how GREAT OUR GOD IS.

Who else, but He, is to be praised and glorified forevermore?



And for those I met along the way, and some who told me, never saw a hint of the grave state my heart had been (and also chosen) to be in, thanks for at least caring even if you could not understand! #ENFP Problems hahaha



For those I've spoken to, going through similar or other struggles with the church; family; ourselves; and people who can't understand (The hardest, though, is when we ourselves don't understand): Christ is here for us! And so are we, the Church, His Bride, so don't you worry and lose hope.



I know I did for some time, a long time even, but God sustained me. Because it would glorify Him.



I've seen campus counselors, Biblical counselors, healing counselors, doctors for my physiological problems, and psychiatrists and psychologists too. If we have a problem, it is very much holistic. Spirit. Mind. Body.



So (for me) I had to shut the stupid side of being ENFP, ((independent to a fault)) and when I reached my worst and final point of exhaustion, I had turned for help. From GOD and professional help; Biblically for my spirit and mind, Physiologically for my mind and my body. And lastly, I don't really emotion, so God gave me loving people, like River and Joyce, anyway. Haha I adore our friendship, you guys, yan ang love life ko lang talaga ((: Yay for pure love and lol not people-ing (and for cat love)



To the special people, who gave and showed me the utmost grace I've seen from humans (ever), my friends whom I call family, in China! Sorry, at salamat sa lahat. Alam kong burara ako, walwal, buanga jud! 怎么了 kayo nang 怎么了 pati mga teachers rin. Pero whew, kayo yung matatag, alam ko.

Kayo, mga ka-batch ko, Crystal, MJ, at mga seniors namin siyempre! My awesome roommates, Chiiin & Fel-a-feel (from Indonesia), my Indo & Thai classmates, teachers, Lu老师 (lol), 一上B班！Hahaha tawa nalang ako. Sorry. Peace. Thank you. Lov u ol



To LIZA WAZABI gurrrrrl, #hobos4life Dat ol, tnk.
HAHA LIZARD, IT WAS AWESOME BEING MAD, FRUSTRATED, HURT, ANNOYED, LOST, TIRED AND STILL SO WEIRDLY HAPPY WITH YOU. Nobody could understand our 50/50 love & hate relationship 󾌪 so glad, we finished and started anew together! Hobo Pirates for eternity! That retreat, brooo, much culmination. Love it.



Thanks too, Beee Arreola, and Lally Perez, RJ and Javi Villaflor, Dyan Francisco, Josh Avedillo, Abdel Jarrar, Greg Yoingco! So many Crossfit Halycon people/coaches/staff; kuya Rem, Carlo (the in-and-out friend); Quejada family and the gang that's always in Fisher Mall! Haha hi Trixie Miraflores :)) Victoria "Torrriii" Canon!

And Nikky Santos. ♥ You guys, cool, and awesome lovely people.



To my friends away, thanks for the LDR, Shawie (Sharon Nitschke), babe #1 (Jeilo), other behs (Nadia, Gang :p, Leslie Cheng! Jesse, Perry, Angelica Mac, Dava)

Senpais! (Kuya Jamie & Charlie!! Vas, Nunga, Kuya Joseph, Ken Segun, Kuya Ryan, Manu Buendia & Belle! Gabe Castelo & Max :) et al)



Salamat sa pag-iintindi niyo rin. ((:



Sa MMA Team from 360° Wushu and CCF. Thanks for being family, and for the punching bags, or pads-training-release-stress sessions. For helping me with my pains & injuries. Whether with assistance or with tiring things like massaging my back and everything else. (Atsi Tere! Always there for us, and coach Garry, whom we all love, right Stella?) ((:

Also for being there even if through chat only. ♥ :P I'd like to thank my Conduits as well, because we Con Du It ! (Joaqui, Philip)
(and Nina Quejada and the gurls, and babe #2 Tigs-tigan ((Antish Gaspar)), and my bebeh Shenar) ♥ ♥ ♥ hi to my siotis in the team, all you little, but taller, gwapitos. (Pimentels, bboy-walter et al)



Bae, si Iya Manika Garcia, kung ano meron sa pagiging 10 years natin na hindi nagkikita-kita, truism and loyalty lang talaga, bae. Sa honesty, prayers, lahat na. Aba ewan ko nalang, pag nagsasama tayo eh, breaking hell loose. Wapak. Swak na swak palagi.
My TMA days would not be the same without you and your girl gang (HAHA PLS)



My bros/sis, Julia Tanglaw Palanca, Stefen Agapito, and sioti Kensyy, wala akong masabi. At a loss for words because you've either stuck through it all (Julia), or you've supported me whatever happens (sioti), and we've given each other grace (spanishpoop jowk. Peace. Agapito) Thank You ♥



Oh, yes, and, "Hello!" To Watson. AP, and my other church family, in CCF Eastwood. (kuya Glenn, Ian, Ira, Joash, et al) I STILL MIX UP MANY NAMES SO hi nalang to Mikaela #2 ((: Dahil ako ang original



Union Church of Manila (UCM), you have prayed for me, stayed with me, listened to me, and helped me. Thank you for saying, you believe me (Pastor Steve! Amy :3 Kuya Joe, et al) and that there is healing and there is hope. Thank you for not saying I'm being a drama queen, in all of this. To you as well, my family in Disciples of Christ: United (DCU), 5 months was not enough!! But I had to adult, and grow up, so thank you, Harbor (College/Young Adults Ministry), you've seen too many of my ups and downs, I know. But your relentless love for Jesus and the Word of God was not in vain, as it served as mine and many others' sustenance, indeed. He is the true Bread of Life and Living Water, Amen!



I love the way things have turned out to be because He is.



God is who He is. A God of wrath, and a God of love, and reconciliation, and peace.



Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.



I'm glad I get to spend eternity with a family like God's.

And if all of these things didn't happen, then whoa there, everyone here would just be erased, and done to be with with this post. None of these names here would've existed. And you all would have had more peaceful lives, not knowing the more than ADD (acc. to Ian Lee) person ((: that I am.



Hi Papa Hulk, Ms. Frizzle, kuuu, shadiboo, and dodong, Clive & Squid! Praise God for our household. :v ,-, no matter how dysfunctional



Thanks couzzzins, UNCLES (hahah to Tito Cyril who's in denial of his elderly-ness), and aunties (Pam, ate Aya) ((: et al



And Uncle E! Who never failed to help and counsel me even from Saipan. God bless you more with your own household, and with your missions wherever you go, with your ministry in Every Nation/VCF.



I know our family also thanks Christ's Commission Fellowship (CCF), for countless times they have showed Christ's love, grace, and forgiveness towards us and the rest of the hurting church, no matter how imperfect any and all other churches may be, we serve a God of grace and love. And besides, the church is the body of Christ, not, exclusively, one group of believers or community only.



I love you, Angel Yulo, cap'n of our Discipleship Group! You guys will always be the best

Hehe I love your up-line too, my other Angel (Gabriel). :3

My apos, sons, girls, cousins, and dad (people) in CCF: Benjamin Manaligod (and some jets), Nicholas and his minions (Kayle, Joric), ICA MACAZO HAHA & MAYE SAPAULA, other people's minions (Banta, Josh dL, Miguel Dealo), Frederick, EG, kuya Ronnie, Barnuts, Chino and Psycho, ayan may mention kayo oh.

Debbie Zara and Claude Dietrich and Leon Santos and Kyle Areno and Argo and Tahnee and Milky and Joseph & Jeshua Ferrer sino pa (basta kayo kahit di ko kayo kinakausap talaga pero nakikita ko lang) ((: Thank you for the love of Christ that compels you!

And hello to the NXT Gen kiddies, my buddies, friends, students, etc (CAR FANATICS and ANIME. Haha)

And to the 5% that was left of before, hello, hi ♥ grace and peace to y'all. c: GEORGNESS, SUNDAE GIRLS, and Adbeynture Taym, you know who you are. :D

And special mention, sa LT Society, pls. Made me sane, with laughter, what not. Salamat, kay "binay" na magaling na pasimuno ng lahat saatin. Hi sa mga diyosa diyan ((:


I've thanked many others personally, throughout this year, and in my other posts. (lol I finally end, for now)

I'd just like to say, that I believe you too, if you are struggling and can't even have enough strength to grasp for air, both literally and figuratively, I believe you. I believe that clinical depression is real, suicidal tendencies are not a joke, emotional or even mental illness /problems have solutions... And that, friends, SPIRITUAL BATTLE is real. And that the Christian life is not merely salvation or being justified through Christ's blood.

But it is also the sanctification of our beings, holistically, for the purposes of God, through Christ, for our lives.



I believe in the POWER of the gospel, the Word of God, prayer, the Holy Spirit in us and working through us. And I would even emphasise on the Deliverance of our beings, as Christ is in us, above, through, and with us... We must rid ourselves of anything (THE SIN) that hinders or entangles us in our walk and faith with God. Because we aren't perfect and we are still in this sinful world, one that is not yet new (which God says is to come), we need to PUT OFF all of our idols: money, sex, fame, power, acceptance, comfort, greed, hatred, anger --anything and EVERYTHING that is not from God and that takes the place of Jesus Christ in our hearts.



And we need to put on Christ, allow Him to rule in our entire beings, Body, Mind, and Spirit. And like the Israelites, when we are delivered, we mustn't grumble or disobey, we might get lost, but we CAN always look to Christ and the Cross at Calvary. And the promises of our God. The Truth is the Truth.

Our perception is not reality. The only Way is the only Way. And the Life Jesus says that is the True Life, is the True Life. We find our lives, when we lay it down; let it go, give up all control of what our flesh wants and desires.



It cost Jesus EVERYTHING that we may Truly Live, and it costs us nothing to have True Life. All it takes is a decision, like how I had decided to accept the gift of life from Christ and justification before God, through His blood, for myself.



The way I decided to look to man, instead of the Bible and Jesus Christ.

The way I decided to blame others when all I could blame, really, was my heart and my fleshly desires and idols that I'd clung on to.

The way I decided to listen and give in to the wiles and LIES of the enemy.

The way I decided to not believe in God, altogether.

The way I decided to lose faith and my trust in Him, because I wasn't feeling all right anymore. (see, we can never trust our emotions. The same would go for our rollercoaster emotions in romantic love)

The way I decided to hide it, and keep it, and find other means of escape until I wanted to escape life, altogether.

The way I decided to find my own life, or my own dreams, or my own desires.

The way I decided to be numb and angry and bitter, until I could sense it myself no more.

The way I decided to say, hey, what gives... Let's just forget about everything good that may happen, maybe fight for the weak, and hate those who are strong or those who reek of Alpha mentalities in their heads and self-righteousness in their hearts... HATE, HATE, HATE. Until it turned to hatred towards my brothers or sisters in Christ, the body of Christ itself, the Church, people, and everything that made my heart churn.



See the way the enemy works? Satan wants us to be so preoccupied with ourselves and what we feel and what we want.



I decided to stay lost, to willfully close the eyes and ears of my heart, from the Spirit of God, to be subject under sin and flesh and Satan and his cohorts.



I decided.



And as nobody could see behind the smiles, or the ADHD-ness, the laughter, or just plain recluse I had emitted all along, Jesus Christ was there.



Weeping. Heartbroken because His Princess Warrior had lost her Armour, her shield, and her only offence, the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.

Weeping because she may not be condemned to hell, if she confesses her sins and as she is forgiven, but because she had lost her limbs. The enemy would bring her down on earth, if he couldn't do so in hell.



He mourned and interceded many days for me. He is the only reason why a mess-up; an ugly duckling (having the similar, if not same, issues as other members of the family and God's family even) who manifests all the dirtiness and muck, of what my family had so allowed the devil to take over in our lives; a helpless being like me, be still standing up again, and again, and again, and again, (and again and again and again and again) because He loves me.



I am His own, and dearly, Beloved Treasure.



The enemy was sly in deceiving us, but we willingly accepted the deceit (the defeat, really) that he started to build around our entire household. We held on to our idols, until God so GRACIOUSLY broke us, and boy, did He break and empty us. To make us realise, we needed TO GO BACK to Him, our FIRST LOVE.



We lost practically "everything" we had once known, and learned to love. The first 18 years for me, back then, and my first (emotional feel feels) love. Lol owel unrequited rin naman. Peace out, friend✌

16 years for my sister, and so much more for us both, I wouldn't even bear to begin to think about it.

9 years for my brother (thank goodness, though),

20 years for my kuya and many joys and hurts he had from childhood.

28 years of service, and his whole inheritance even, for my dad. My mom? Her sanity, I think. She was always praying and fighting because the Holy Spirit spoke strongly in her, as she had a more Biblical foundation as a child, than our dad did. I believe her prayers, along with many I know, had been answered so GLORIOUSLY and so GRACIOUSLY in His time.



If there are real problems even in the Christian community, with regard to the culting of Christianity or any little, or huge forms, of religious abuse, we still have no excuse.



Get rid of sin, our idols, everything that does not come from God and glorify Him.

Look not to man, but to God. As I would remember, our lessons on Isaiah, with Teacher Wesley, in Precept Bible Study, Philippines.



Consider God! Consider Him. Acknowledge Him. Listen to Him. Ask Him. Know Him. Spend your waking and resting moments, in the Spirit. Renew your mind! Digest and meditate on His Word! Because it is Truth and Life and Peace.



Do not grow cold, but even if you do, nothing is impossible with God. BELIEVE IN HIM. Believe also in the schemes, traps, and lies of Satan. But Believe in the POWER of JESUS CHRIST, and His work FINISHED FOREVER (May Forever, pls) ON THE CROSS at Calvary.



Believe that every knee will bow, and tongue confess, that Jesus is Lord. If humanity will not, the very stones on the ground will have to cry out!!

He is the Saviour of those who accept His gift of Eternal Life, gift of Grace from the Father, gift of Peace, and Reconciliation with the Holy God.



The Lord is My Shepherd, I lack nothing.

Cling fast to Him, and those around Him.





Ephesians 6:10

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.





So, we give back all the Glory to God, for gifting us with His love and mercy. Forever and ever, and all God's people say, AMEN!